btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
