Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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