Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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