just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
