I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
