My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
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