Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
