he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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