nutella sex= disaster
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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