i think my tv is drunk
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
