Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Hippo gnu deer
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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