I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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