you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
