If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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