First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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