Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
