I just cut my nipple shaving
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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