I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
