well I can't set my house on fire every night
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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