I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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