No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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