My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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