Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
