Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
