I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
