i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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