Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
my being single is dangerous.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
