Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
