dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
and you fell through a lawn chair
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
