Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize