3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
