Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Randomize
