Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
If I die, sorry about rent.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
