What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
