I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
