just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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