dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
