I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize