wake up i wanna do it froggy style
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
