I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
