I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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