i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
This baby is an asshole
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
