That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
