why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
