He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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