I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Enjoy the penises
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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