tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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