Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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