I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
