My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
