Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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