2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
