Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
