I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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