At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
