see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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