Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize